Vinay Menon: Meghan Markle attended the coronation disguised as Karl Jenkins? The conspiracy theory shows how far she’s fallen

It’s the same old story: What starts as a joke, turns into a conspiracy and then a 79-year-old male Welsh composer must deny he is Meghan Markle.

Was the coronation last weekend? It feels like ages ago. I can’t wait for Taylor Swift to take over this column so I can go on vacation. I’ll visit Sir Karl Jenkins in London.

We will tuck into laverbread, cawl and Glamorgan sausage as he regales me with the backstory on a BBC headline this week: “I Wasn’t Meghan in Disguise at Coronation.”

Sir Jenkins attended the crowning of King Charles III. He composed a song for the historic event. But his striking appearance — ’70s mop-top, indoor aviators, moustache that could tarp the infield at Rogers Centre — prompted the rascals on social media to quip that the septuagenarian was actually the Duchess of Montecito. Then like the moon landing was faked or Sept. 11 was an inside job, others became true believers.

Sir Jenkins took to TikTok this week to toot his oboe at the false rumours.

“I look this way all the time,” he explained. “I’ve had the moustache since I was 18 years old. It was very trendy then. So that’s me. Nothing sinister about it …”

He also denied the allegation he was there to steal the crown jewels.

I wish all theorists from all conspiracies would acquaint themselves with Occam’s razor. Why would Meghan Markle want to covertly infiltrate Westminster Abbey looking like Super Mario’s grandfather? It makes no sense. Also, you can’t just crash a coronation. This isn’t a Holiday Inn wedding in Sudbury. There is assigned seating. Did you not see the panic in Katy Perry’s eyes when she couldn’t find her pew?

And, yes, the giant lilac hat creating an eclipse probably didn’t help her visual acuity.

Meghan Markle must be so insulted by this week’s viral story. If she ever donned a disguise to sneak into the coronation of a King she loathes more than beef jerky, she would have hired the wizards who work for Peter Jackson to turn her into Marilyn Monroe just to upstage Kate Middleton. Or she’d go as Princess Diana to freak everyone out. She’d pick Groot before picking the composer of “Adiemus.”

But you know why some believed Sir Karl Jenkins was Meghan Markle?

Because celebrities love disguises.

Millie Bobby Brown has evaded the paparazzi by putting a box over her head and painting a face on it. Justin Bieber once strolled around London in a gas mask usually reserved for a biochemical attack. Kesha can morph into a tiger in five seconds flat. Without the hat, Katy Perry is armed with doughnut pillows and poop emoji costumes.

Madonna does not need a disguise, mostly because the meanies on social keep saying she’s already unrecognizable. Dustin Hoffman should invest in a strategic umbrella or Groucho Marx getup. Over the years, while ducking a long lens in public, he has turned into a kindergartener who plays hide-and-seek behind a newspaper box with his eyes and forehead still visible. Or he seeks cloaking magic behind a hydro pole skinnier than one of his legs. Hey, dummy. The paparazzi can see you.

But the real takeaway from this Sir Karl Jenkins silliness is just how far Meghan has tumbled in the cultural pantheon. Man alive, circa 2017, putting her name in a headline was guaranteed clicks gold. She adjusted a tiara and surfed a tsunami of global popularity. Now she is so on the royal margin, some believe she is capable of camouflaging as an old bloke to witness an event where she is not wanted.

Prince Harry attended the coronation and spent less time in London than you would at a passport office. His wife stayed in California and tried to counterprogram the coronation with a hike on which the tabloid cameras were clearly tipped off.

The problem? Nobody cared. Meghan took a hike and the world said, “Take a hike.”

Meghan is done with the Royal Family and it is done with her. It’s sad.

And poor Sir Karl Jenkins is now standing in the nude and looking down as “Suits” plays on a flat-screen while thinking, “I don’t look anything like her!”

But let’s see what Taylor Swift says when she joins the Star on July 13.

OK. With your indulgence, I’d like to conclude this dispatch with a Mother’s Day message. You moms out there do not get enough credit. It’s disgraceful. Budgeting, making school lunches, working long hours, keeping the household running, providing wisdom, giving endless love, planning ahead, thinking back, hyper-caring in the present, you moms are the Gorilla Glue binding the fabric of this wacky society.

You do it all. You do it every day. You never stop.

So I hope you are spoiled rotten this weekend. You can never go wrong with breakfast in bed. Yes, based on the age of your kids, there is a high risk of salmonella. But you can always spit bites of the Nutella-Sriracha scrambled eggs with Doritos into a napkin when they’re not looking. And who wouldn’t want a macramé lip gloss sheath?

Happy Mother’s Day to Meghan Markle and all moms.

May you have an awesome weekend. And may you never look like Sir Karl Jenkins.

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