Theatre etiquette 101: Nine things that make this critic cringe

As someone who sees upwards of 200 stage shows a year, I obviously love theatre. But I also hate it.

Let me explain.

It’s not the shows themselves — the writing, acting, directing, design — that irritate me. And besides, I usually get to mention those things in reviews.

It’s the other stuff — from the hassle of trying to find information about a show to braving cramped lobbies and washrooms. Worst of all? Dealing with fellow audience members.

Theatre etiquette has made headlines recently, so we all know not to sing along at jukebox musicals or use our phones — unless we’re being encouraged to do so. But there are some other elements that are just as bothersome.

Here, in no particular order, are some things that can turn this mild-mannered theatre fan into a full-on drama queen.

Glowing watches

Sure, these days most audience members know enough to stow their muted phones in their purses and pockets. But what about Fitbits and Apple Watches? There they are, glowing and pulsing away in the dark, distracting your attention from a show. I don’t own one, but apparently there’s something called theatre mode. Use it.

Bad vibes

On a related note, don’t put your phone on vibrate mode; put it on silent. In a small theatre, we can all hear it.

Hats or piled-up hair

As the iconic character Joanne asks in Stephen Sondheim’s “Company,” “Does anyone still wear a hat?” Yes they do. And they’re usually sitting in front of me at a show. Please, take it off. I promise I won’t comment on the bald spot you’re trying to cover up. Speaking of hair, save the topknot, high ponytail and retro beehive for another occasion. And remember that annoying woman in the giant, view-obscuring white dress at the Oscars? Don’t be her.

A seat is not a coat rack

This is mostly a winter thing, but some audience members drape their big, bulky coats over their chairs. So if you’re sitting behind them (as I always seem to be doing), their coat will essentially be draped in front of you, touching your knees. If that garment is so precious you don’t want it wrinkled, pay a couple of bucks and use the coat check.

Those “excuse me/sorry” people

Why do the people sitting in the middle of the row always arrive late, so those already seated have to stand up to let them through? And why are they often carrying plastic cups of red wine that you know they’re going to spill on you in the dark as they repeatedly step on your feet?

Shallow rows

I’m of average height, but even I find the seating in most theatres cramped, my knees often jutting up against the seat in front of me, making it even harder for those middle-row folks to get by. Couldn’t theatres add a bit more space between rows? That way we could all breathe a little easier.

Minding your pees and queues

Thankfully, several theatres have now built gender-neutral washrooms with stalls. But many theatre men’s washrooms still have urinals without partitions between them. Which can be awkward. The play I’m seeing is enough, thank you very much. I don’t need to watch any unwelcome opening acts.

Side note: about washroom stalls, why not spring for that Red equals Occupied, Green equals Free lock to avoid the embarrassing “Oops!” of finding someone inside?

The obscure laugher

This mostly applies to comedy shows, but it happens at plays, too. Some audience member laughs loudly to himself — it’s always a dude — after a line, signalling to the rest of us that he is a superior, highly educated, cultured person. The worst part? The laughter always sounds fake.

The price is wrong

Have you tried to buy theatre tickets online lately? Sure, service charges and facility fees are getting out of control. But some websites are so shady and complicated about the range of prices and options available that it seems easier to apply to NEXUS than it is to find out how much your tickets are actually going to cost.

With all that in mind … enjoy your next show!

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