Vinay Menon: China’s new squirrel cops are making Canada’s wild animals seem like lazy bums

Is the future of law enforcement now twitching in a treetop?

You’ve heard of police dogs. Police horses. Around the world, there are also police pot-bellied pigs. Police mongooses. Police monkeys. And now … police squirrels?

Authorities in China announced this week they have successfully trained six rodents to work in tandem with a K9 unit. These brave red squirrels will join the Chongqing narcotics division and presumably not be expected to drive mopeds or wear badges.

Although tiny caps and bulletproof vests would be adorable.

Yin Jin, a handler of police dogs turned squirrel whisperer, was quoted in various reports this week. He commended his new bushy-tailed recruits on their speed, acute sense of smell, dexterity and ability to infiltrate warehouse nooks and crannies where kingpins may be stashing contraband in a country that has a zero-tolerance policy.

I hate to say it, but this is why China will eventually rule the world. Their history is marked by centuries of innovation. Papermaking, the magnetic compass, gunpowder and now squirrel cops. How is the West supposed to compete?

Remember in 2020, when the Toronto International Boat Show promoted a performance by Twiggy the Waterskiing Squirrel? And then Mayor John Tory started running his killjoy yap about bylaw infractions and wild animals and blah blah blah?

That was the wrong reaction. Our leaders should have held emergency meetings to discuss how and why Twiggy mastered a water sport. What else might Twiggy be able to accomplish? Algebra? Firing a crossbow? Appreciating Nickelback?

All our squirrels do is loot birdfeeders.

And you know what? China is currently training other animals.

They won’t tell me which ones and asked that I not call that number again.

But I bet you that’s what the spy balloon was doing. It wasn’t stealing intel or engaging in espionage. It was monitoring the cows in Montana to see if they’d be suitable candidates for trash removal gigs in the Jiangbei District.

It’s strange to think fentanyl dealers in China are now stocking up on peanuts to hopefully create an irresistible distraction for the fuzz. Can you imagine going to prison after a squirrel cop darted through an open window, scratched on cocaine cakes hidden in a cubby hole and then scurried up your back, reached around your face and covered your eyes with its tiny paws until backup arrived with the cuffs?

What’s next, China? Will speeding motorists soon be pulled over by deputized leopards with sirens strapped to their heads? Will owls join the war on shoplifting? Who needs surveillance cameras when your loss prevention team can spin their heads around and never blink? Plus, you can pay their salaries in dead mice.

It’s all about thinking outside of the box — or the cage.

China’s new squirrel cops are making Canada’s wild animals seem like lazy bums.

Everyone in the West is worried about losing jobs to robots. Meanwhile, mad scientists in China are no doubt teaching marmosets to use ChatGPT. If China ever achieves the holy grail — training a cat to hack — it’s lights out for us.

When it comes to animals and law and order, we’ve never managed to bark past K9.

The Toronto Police Service has a webpage devoted to its four-legged crusaders. The unit, formed in 1989, has more than 30 dogs that specialize in cadavers, search and rescue, bomb detection and narcotics. The breeds include German shepherd, Belgian Malinois, springer spaniel and Labrador retriever.

Did you know an RCMP dog can search a car in three minutes flat?

That’s nuts. I need more time to put on my socks.

Kudos to the pooches. But instead of wringing our hands over a water-skiing squirrel, shouldn’t we let our wild animals know it’s time for them to step up and chip in? Enough with this one-sided relationship. All they do is take, take, take.

It’s time for our animals to realize they are competing with Chinese animals.

Why can’t the beavers fix the nightmare of a construction mess on Eglinton? Why can’t the walruses take the lead on water treatment? You know how you get yahoos to stop running stop signs? You train the moose to jump out of the bushes.

It all comes down to a dramatic overhaul of perception and expectation.

If China’s squirrels are now fighting crime, surely our raccoons can stop being criminals. It’s not their fault. We slander them as “bandits.” We roll out new green bin tech to stymie any 3 a.m. theft of chicken bones or scraps of lasagna.

They’re not hungry. They’re bored and unemployed. They have no purpose.

That’s why we think less of our raccoons than the Kardashians do of Rob.

Could a raccoon do a better job than John Tory? I’m not sure. But a raccoon could probably do something to help this backsliding city. Teach a raccoon the Dewey Decimal System and have it to volunteer in an understaffed library. Raccoons wander aimlessly. So, if bees can be coached to detect landmines, are you seriously telling me our raccoons can’t call 311 to report potholes?

China’s new squirrel cops will soon take an oath to serve and protect.

Our caribou should bow their heads in shame.

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