Vinay Menon: Drake is going on summer tour and saying farewell to Toronto like he’s going off to war

Do any of us love anything as much as Drake loves Toronto?

I’d be willing to bet 6ix bucks the answer is no. If Toronto was a woman, Drake would be a stalker. If Toronto was a Mandarin buffet, Drake would weigh 416 pounds and reek of crab legs. The global superstar can’t get enough of his hometown.

It’s endearing. But as with all extreme loves, it can also be unsettling.

Drake is embarking upon his “It’s All a Blur Tour.” It begins this month in Memphis. It ends in October, back here at the Scotiabank Arena. Drake should be thrilled. He’s about to hit the road and spend his summer in the delirious rapture of fans across the continent. When the tour ends and gate/merch receipts are tallied, he’ll be rich enough to buy another Bridle Path mansion – this one just for his adorable kitty.

And, yet, Drake already sounds as homesick as a 6th grader at camp.

On social media, the rapper bid farewell to Toronto with a majestic image of the CN Tower in a crimson skyline. He captioned this photo with a font and message the quality control team at Hallmark would promptly reject as overwrought:

“Goodbye my beautiful city. I haven’t left for this reason in almost 6 years but I hope I can make you proud once again. I love you all. Have an amazing summer and pls try to take care of each other. See you in October.”

I was forced to fact-check: Is Drake going on tour or heading out to war?

But his long goodbye was not done. Drake also posted an Instagram pic in which he is at Shoppers Drug Mart, holding a plastic basket and gazing at a hidden shelf with the befuddled intensity of a hyena on an escalator. It’s not clear if Drake is trying to solve an ancient cryptogram or pondering his best options for beard exfoliation.

To telegraph his Hogtown bona fides, he is also wearing a mauve TTC jacket.

Out of curiousity, how did Drake obtain this jacket? It is illegal to impersonate a police officer, right? But it’s perfectly fine to impersonate a bus driver who may be double-parked as he sprints inside a pharmacy to snare a tube of ointment?

What other uniforms has Drake obtained on the municipal black market? Does he prune his trees in a reflective Toronto Hydro vest? Does he sneak his entourage into movies while confidently striding into the multiplex in a Cineplex blazer?

And does Drake really expect us normies to believe he doesn’t have a domestic payroll loaded with gofers and lackeys who can fetch all of his pre-tour toiletries and sundry? Come on. This is subversive trolling. The Kardashians have done more renos than towns in South America and not one of them has ever stepped foot in a Home Depot.

Quit playing, Drake. Quit fronting. In that Instagram photo, he is loitering in the toothbrush aisle. Right. We all know his incisors and molars are gently scrubbed nightly by cosplay mermaids using custom Gucci implements with bristles made from endangered giant pandas. Drake hasn’t owned an Oral-B since “So Far Gone.” His entire head is groomed with more dough and precision manpower than is devoted to maintaining the Gardens of Versailles.

Do you really think this superstar collects Optimum points?

I fear Drake is more infatuated with Toronto than MAGA is with Trump. Don’t get me wrong. His love is inspirational. We should all love Toronto as much as he does. Drake has my vote if he ever runs for mayor. We’d have a local leader who knows how to conquer the world. Drake would also be forced to take a hiatus from music. Win-win! I have tried my best to appreciate why he is one of the most popular recording artists alive.

I don’t get it. Drake’s vocal stylings sound like he was smacked upside the head with a frying pan while recording an audio book next to a slow-motion jackhammer.

But this isn’t about music. It’s about Drake’s unhealthy attachment to our great city.

Aubrey? Knock it off with this week’s treacly goodbyes. You’re going to Memphis, not Mars. Have a fantastic summer. Enjoy the spoils of your success. Board your private jet and kill it on this tour. As your song goes, you started from the bottom and … now you are starting to freak us out.

We will find a way to survive your three-month absence. I mean, it’s not as if we bumped into you at Ikea or Bulk Barn. It’ll be fine. Relax. The Raps’ new season does not begin until you are back and ready to cause more hijinks from your floor seats. Your favourite restaurant, Sotto Sotto, will not run out of Pesce Del Giorno while you are away. Maybe City Hall can project a countdown clock calibrated to your return?

If it gives you peace of mind, I will monitor the weekly Shoppers flyers this summer to ensure you don’t miss out on any deals. What do you need? Lubriderm? Advil? Vitamin C? Tell me and I’ll leave it with your cat – along with a TTC litter box.

We love you, Drake. You make us proud. You did good.

But you are starting to get a little clingy.

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