Vinay Menon: Drake’s new necklace is called ‘Previous Engagements’ — a better name would be ‘Future Breakups’

There are many things Drake will never do.

He will never crush a saltine into Cup-a-Soup. He will never start a Pickleball league for rappers. He will never live in a mobile home. He will never ditch music for a new career as a forensic accountant.

And he will never get married.

I base this last prediction on his latest extravagance. Drake bought himself a necklace. According to an Instagram video shared this week by designer Alex Moss, this “monumental art piece” required 14 months of handiwork as 351.38 carats of diamonds were eagle-clawed into a Y-chain of 18K white gold.

Less time and money went into my basement reno.

The piece of jewelry has a name: “Previous Engagements.” Why? Drake’s necklace has 42 engagement diamonds — one for each time he nearly proposed.

It’s like buying a Bugatti to celebrate that time you nearly took the bus.

Even within the gaudy outer limits of bling solipsism, this is a first. Drake spent big bucks on an engagement necklace for all the times he did not get engaged?

Will he splurge on a crop-duster for never mowing the lawn?

With songs such as “Hold On, We’re Going Home,” “Fire & Desire,” “Marvins Room” and many others, Drake has curated a persona as a “Certified Lover Boy” who just can’t corral a soul mate.

Now I get why he’s in a rap battle with Cupid: Lover Boy is a certified weirdo.

This necklace is a grand romantic gesture to himself. That he’s been keeping a running tally of aborted proposals has the trophy vibe of a serial killer.

Drake, matters of the heart are not basketball. Why are you keeping score?

That said, the math is confusing. Drake is 36. For the sake of argument, let’s assume he first thought about getting hitched when he was 18. This means Drake has almost popped the question an average of 2.3 times per year since becoming an adult. On a per annum basis, he contemplates marriage with greater frequency than the rest of us get our teeth cleaned. The man is obsessed.

Then he commissions jewelry with a name — I’m going to start calling my Apple Watch “Mr. Haptic” — to commemorate not getting married? I have not heard a more ridiculous celebrity purchase since Nicolas Cage dropped $276,000 on a Tyrannosaurus bataar skull he later returned because it was stolen from Mongolia.

If Drake’s goal is to swap rhyming vows, he is not thinking this through.

Now every woman he dates, every possible the One, knows there were 42 Almost the Ones. Those are not good spring training numbers headed into the regular season of holy matrimony.

This dummy can’t even buy a traditional engagement ring. He can’t drop down on one knee and open a stupid little velvet box when his glittering neck is weighed down by nearly four dozen engagement diamonds. That’s like dining alone at Morton’s and then giving your girlfriend a coupon to Wendy’s.

Drake has put himself in a platinum pickle vis-à-vis amorous expectation.

Any future Mrs. Drake will now hold out for the Cullinan Diamond.

That is why he will never get married. This necklace is not a show — it’s a tell. Deep down, Drake loves having it both ways. He gets to lead a wild playboy life while mumble-crooning in iambic pentameter about the hotties who keep going cold. When a man buys himself a lavish engagement necklace, there is only one low-budget takeaway: he is too self-involved for commitment.

Last month, to promote their new album “Her Loss,” Drake and 21 Savage embarked upon a fake publicity tour. This included a staged NPR “Tiny Desk” concert and fabricated musical appearance on “Saturday Night Live.”

The two also shared a doctored image in which they are striking a pose for a Vogue cover that never was. Publisher Condé Nast promptly filed a lawsuit over trademark infringement. But it was a fake interview with Howard Stern that was accidentally illuminating when it comes to Drizzy’s future marital status.

Drake replied to a question about settling down that was spliced together from a previous Stern interview with someone else: “I think that eventually, once all this is said and done for us, that addiction of work and success and forward movement is over, I feel like we’re going to need something real. Hopefully, it’s not too late.”

I’m afraid it’s already too late. That addiction is never filing for divorce.

Yes, this was a gonzo parody of a celebrity confessional. But the fake felt so real, some media outlets were duped and reported the interview as fact.

It seems not even Fake Drake can conceal Real Drake’s romantic record.

If Champagne Papi ever had a near-death experience, would he keep the memory alive by sleeping in a gold coffin each night? Does he eat birthday cake on any day that is not Oct. 24? Will he send himself 5,000 roses this Valentine’s Day?

His new necklace is called “Previous Engagements.”

A better name would be “Future Breakups.”

Marriage isn’t a designer accessory. When it works best, marriage is a monumental art piece in which two souls are eagle-clawed into a single setting as both shimmer and shine. Marriage is about sharing the marquee.

That is why the local boy who made it big will never get hitched.

Drake’s true love is Drake.

SHARE: