Vinay Menon: Forget Captain America Chris Evans. Who is Canada’s Sexiest Man Alive?

Chris Evans once strolled past me at a TIFF gala.

Even under his manicured beard, his skin glowed like plutonium. His eyes were the hue of a reflecting pool during a blue moon. He ascended a staircase two steps at a time with such grace, it was as if an invisible force was wrapped around his svelte waist, floating him wherever he needed to go.

I’m a heterosexual male. But I won’t lie to you. My knees turned to Jell-O.

And now the beauty arbiters at People finally agree.

Drum roll please, this year’s Sexiest Man Alive is … Chris Evans!

As the magazine accidentally revealed in display copy, this one was easy. Anointing Top Sexy honours to Captain America is like declaring Vladimir Putin the Most Horrible Human Being of 2022: No sensible person will argue.

The Sexy news was broken Monday night by Stephen Colbert. By Tuesday morning, it was in heavy media rotation. People pushed out more content about Evans than the New York Times did about the midterm elections.

American democracy may be on the brink of implosion but, hey, here’s a “Hot Shots” gallery of Chris beaming bedroom eyes and tugging on his bomber collar or lounging on a lawn chair in a clingy, top-unbuttoned military green shirt.

The first Sexiest Man Alive was Mel Gibson in 1985. Since then, winners have included the predictable likes of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, George Clooney, The Rock, Michael B. Jordan, David Beckham. There have also been picks over the years suggesting the People brain-trust was high on LSD.

Blake Shelton? John Legend?

Come on. Shelton looks like he takes sponge baths in Mountain Dew. Legend has the visage of an off-duty Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. These guys aren’t the Sexiest Men Alive in their postal codes.

Don’t get me started on 1992 winner Nick Nolte, in which he grins on the cover in wire specs, looking like a calculus prof with human body parts in his fridge.

But from Gibson to Evans, “Sexiest Man Alive” continues to content-thrive at a time when the so-called legacy media is in dire straits. When a homeless person asks for spare change, I say I work for a newspaper and then he gives me a few bucks. And now that my Star overlords are scrutinizing this column for potentially offensive lines, I have a business idea to propose.

Why are we letting People corner the market on Sexy? Their upcoming issue, on newsstands Friday, will do gangbusters in sales, as it does every year. People has embraced an editorial feature that is immune to “changing reader habits” or “media fragmentation.” Sexy sells. Sexy gets clicks. Sexy is journo gold.

We should swipe this idea and, in the industry parlance, “localize” it.

The Toronto Star Presents … “Canada’s Sexiest Man Alive.”

I suppose we could also do a female version. But objectifying men seems less “problematic” these days. Let’s face it, Canada continues to be a pinprick in the gargantuan cultural shadow of America. Yes, this city is world-class for theatre, but that’s only because of Mirvish. Yes, we can hold our own in literature, and hearty congrats to Suzette Mayr for winning this year’s Giller.

But for lower pop culture, we just don’t invest in our national ecosystem.

We don’t shoot any razzle or dazzle at our luminaries.

We could change that, however incrementally, with an annual Canada’s Sexiest Man Alive. And unlike People, which is cemented to showbiz, we could select from any industry. Well, within reason. I’m not suggesting the Star publish an A1 cover this week that reads, “Canada’s Sexiest Man Alive is … Doug Ford!”

The Sexy Premier backtracked to avert a strike in his velour tracksuit.

You know what? I’m convinced this is an outstanding idea. And if my Star overlords are too skittish to run with it, I’ll do it myself. I will be the judge, but I need you to be the jury. Who is Canada’s Sexiest Man Alive? Email your picks to [email protected]. It could be a public figure or someone in your life, though in that case I’ll need a headshot and bio: “This is my husband Leo raking leaves.”

For nearly 40 years, People has ignored all Sexy north of the border not named Ryan Reynolds or Keanu Reeves. Enough. Yes, Chris Evans is ridiculously handsome. But he’s also sickly-sweet, a guy who tells People stuff like: “I think declarations of love are great. I love love. I’m a bit of a sap like that. I like being sentimental, I cry pretty easily. At a good song, nice sunset, yeah, my emotions are bubbling.”

You cry at sunsets? Now my stomach is bubbling.

Canada, we can beat People at its own Sexy game. I’m tired of our most talented actors and screenwriters flying south like migratory birds every year. We need to build our own star system and Sexy is a great starting point.

So, who gets your vote? Is it Drake, another bearded superstar who warbles like someone taught an old ottoman to sing? Is it a co-worker? My vote might go to the Star’s Robert Benzie, who always looks like he was personally dressed by Armani and is blessed with a high-voltage smile that rivals Chris Evans.

Beware, People magazine. Canada’s Sexiest Man Alive is in the works.

Not even Harry Hamlin can save you now.

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