Vinay Menon: ‘Law and Order’ hits Toronto in 2024 — should it?

Let’s begin with a sound effect: “Dun Dun … Eh?”

Cue the banjo and contrabass bugle. Great news for those who may have tumbled through a crack in the space-time continuum and are stuck in 2001: “Law & Order” is coming to Canada.

Citytv, a shadow of itself from the gonzo heyday of Moses Znaimer, announced this week it has pushed the green light on, “Law & Order Toronto: Criminal Intent.” The 10-episode series premieres next spring and will “showcase original Canadian stories written and produced by, and starring, Canadians.”

The old TV critic in me salutes all Cancon efforts. So kudos, Citytv.

But is there enough source material to be “ripped from the headlines” when a now fossilized crime procedural is set in one of the safest cities in the world? Then again, there is an “NCIS: Sydney” in the works. Maybe these franchises have run out of violent cities to showcase and soon there will be a “Tokyo Nine-Nine.”

I’d definitely watch a “Hamilton Five-O.”

As an aside, Hamilton, what’s up? Is everything OK?

I visited last summer. My daughters wanted to check out locations from one of their favourite Netflix shows, “The Umbrella Academy.” Now, maybe I had an isolated experience. Maybe what I witnessed is not representative of Hamilton.

I was disturbed by the number of passersby strung out on contraband. Some of them, one barefoot, asked for money without using any words. They just held out their palms and stared at me with dead eyes. To leave the hotel and go on a Starbucks run in the morning was to feel like you were an extra in a zombie movie.

Now that I’m done slandering Hamilton — I actually love that city — let’s get back to Hogtown and guess possible storylines on “Law & Order Toronto: Criminal Intent.”

Will detectives set up a sting to nab couriers who park their vans in bike lanes? Will there be a break-in at the Hockey Hall of Fame that ends with Brendan Shanahan explaining why he set a bonfire inside the Stanley Cup: “If I can’t have it, nobody can!”

Will there be a slow-speed chase in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the DVP as CBC Radio plays in the background? Will an undercover cop investigating a poutine trafficking ring slip on cheese curds and be forced to call for backup after waiting 20 hours to see a doctor in the ER? Stolen poodles in the Beach? Telemarketing scams?

I suppose dark inspiration could come from TTC stabbings or home invasions and carjackings in Vaughan. But this new show can’t return to the past because our high-profile crimes are already widgets inside America’s dramatization factory.

The “Law & Order” franchise has devoted more than one episode to Paul Bernardo, the psychopathic predator and killer who was just inexplicably transferred to a medium-security facility. What’s next? Will Robert Pickton get day parole?

The murders of Barry and Honey Sherman are natural fodder for true crime TV — except for the part in which the assailant is still at large. “Law & Order” needs an ending. And, tragically, due to the Keystone Kops nature of the bumbling Sherman investigation, that case was never “CSI.” Now it is “Unsolved Mysteries.”

So we are back to fake accessible parking permits and maple syrup cartels.

But the real reason I’m wary of “Law & Order Toronto: Criminal Intent” is the threat of bad voodoo. Other cities that served as settings for crime procedurals this century — New York, Miami, Chicago, Los Angeles — often experienced a spike in real-life crime.

Coincidence or self-fulfilling prophecy? Do these shows give bad guys bad ideas?

A new Canadian production is always fantastic news. But why can’t we have a remake of “Mary Poppins” set in a Yorkville condo? Are you scared, Rogers, to green light a new “Succession” based on your own internecine intrigue? Also, Rogers, please lower my monthly bill. It is cutting into my grocery budget. What is wrong with you people? I can’t send my kids to school with a modem in their lunch box.

The lo-fi vibrations in this city are strange right now. Maybe it’s the upcoming vote for mayor. Or the bleak realization construction on Eglinton may only end in 2038 after aliens make contact and take over the project with intergalactic exasperation.

More from this week’s press release:

“The timeless appeal of the cases explored in the globally successful ‘Law & Order’ franchise continue to draw in Citytv audiences week after week,” said Hayden Mindell, senior vice president, Television, Rogers Sports & Media. “We’re thrilled to be in partnership with Lark Productions and Cameron Pictures Inc., to bring Canadian stories to this iconic format.”

Yes, well, the opening narration will need a tweak: “In Toronto’s war on crime, the worst criminal offenders are often not caught or are given lenient sentences by judges that look like robed elders in Hogwarts. These are their stories.”

I’m curious to see how this reconfigured American drama grafts onto the pleasant streets of Toronto. It will be like a “Criminal Minds” set in Ottawa where profilers decode Justin Trudeau’s gibberish. The best TV packs a surprise and hopefully “Law & Order Toronto” will not include brazen thefts at the LCBO.

So let us reserve judgment until the 2024 premiere.

And let us be grateful high-profile crime is the least of our worries.

SHARE: