Vinay Menon: Millennials lead the ‘sleep divorce’ trend. Do you need one?

It’s a trend that may keep you up at night: “sleep divorce.”

If you’re married or shacked up with your partner, “going to bed” can either be a tranquil end to the day or a Groundhog Night churning with sheep-counting anxiety.

It all depends on how your partner behaves when the lights go out.

Do they snore? Do they steal covers? Do they wake up at 2 a.m. to check their phone? Do they mumble gibberish? Do they have restless leg syndrome? Do they toss and turn? Do they roll over your startled body to stagger into the bathroom every hour?

Are you sharing your bed with the Tasmanian Devil or Rip Van Winkle?

According to a survey this week from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM), a third of cohabitating adults have filed for “sleep divorce.” These couples now get their shut-eye in separate beds. They sleep apart to stay together.

“Getting the right amount of healthy sleep is important for relationships,” warns the AASM. “Studies have shown that those in relationships who consistently experience poor sleep are more likely to engage in conflict with their partners …”

Yes, well, this seems inevitable if you only get three hours because your rib cage was a landing pad for an elbow attached to a partner who always strays into dreamland sounding like a trash compactor crushing an aluminum lawn chair.

How can you not wake up on the wrong side of the bed when you have no side?

I think we should all consider “sleep divorce.” Think about it. We don’t shower with our partners every morning. We don’t use one laptop at the same time. We don’t engage in synchronized shoe-tying. Sleep is more important than all that stuff.

Don’t get me wrong. I love cuddling my wife. Just before she drifts off to la-la land, she delivers one final soliloquy for the day. Sometimes it’s about upcoming social plans. Sometimes it’s about the kids or news of the day. Sometimes I have no idea what she’s talking about. But once asleep, her face morphs into beautiful serenity.

You know what? I’ll get over it. I have my spooning memories.

Now I want to test-drive a sleep divorce to see what all the fuss is about.

In another survey this week, 63 per cent of British respondents said sleep was causing “tensions” in their relationships. It also found women average an extra hour of sleep. I guess that’s fair since women are forced to buy more earplugs and eye masks.

We take sleep for granted until we don’t get enough. Then sleep haunts our eyes wide open. I visited a sleep clinic last year. This was after my wife requested a referral, upgraded us to a king bed and built a pillow wall down the middle.

The clinic was odd. You show up after dinner and are led into a bedroom tricked out with cameras and microphones like you’re auditioning for an adult film.

The nice attendant glued sensors to my head and torso. Then she plugged the wires into a transmitting device. I looked like a cyborg in a pod getting a system update.

Long story short: I stop breathing about 52 times per hour, have severe apnea and my snoring has cost my poor wife incalculable hours of sleep.

She deserves better. So if not a sleep divorce, maybe a trial sleep separation? Not long ago, I heard bed sales were spiking. You notice how podcasts are full of mattress ads? It’s confusing. Most people I know haven’t changed beds since Y2K.

But now it makes sense. Couples are buying extra beds to save their marriages.

It’s almost as if this study was secretly sponsored by Sleep Country.

I was surprised by the generational breakdown. I figured older couples are more likely to get a sleep divorce. But according to this research, millennials lead the way at 43 per cent. Generation X is 33 per cent. Gen Z is 28 per cent.

The boomers, at 22 per cent, sleep together the most. Force of habit?

And what happens to couples when one partner has an issue beyond snoring?

Sleepwalking would be unsettling. Exploding head syndrome sounds terrifying. Based on some bizarre cases, if my wife had an REM behavioural disorder, in which she punched and cursed while acting out dreams, we’d already be sleep divorced.

My PJs and CPAP machine would be on a cot in the shed. Woman, I gotta work in the morning. I can’t lay down my head next to Linda Blair in “The Exorcist.”

So is sleep divorce a harbinger of fading intimacy or a nifty solution for couples that keep each other up at night? There are no easy fixes in relationships. If your partner is a back seat driver, you can’t strap them to the roof rack. If your partner yammers through movies on the couch, you need to accept and love this running commentary.

But if your partner, in an eyelid-flutter slumber, head-butts you and drools on your cheek at 3 a.m., go sleep in another room. Treat yourself to a good night’s rest.

I regret hearing about this “sleep divorce” trend. Now I’m conflicted.

Do I continue to be a nocturnal nuisance to my long-suffering wife?

Or do I call my sleep divorce lawyer and ask him to prepare the paperwork?

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