Vinay Menon: Singers these days are dodging phones, sex toys, even human ashes — is it time for helmets at concerts?

All singers should pull a Daft Punk and don helmets.

Not for the robot vibes. Just to prevent head injuries. It’s getting harder to distinguish between concerts and dodge ball this summer. Ask singer Bebe Rexha.

She recently shared a gnarly photo. Her left eyelid is swollen and a shade of mulberry. A small bandage conceals three stitches as if she just grappled with Ronda Rousey.

This facial trauma did not originate inside a WWE ring.

Bebe was cut, bruised and dropped to the stage while performing in Manhattan when an idiotic fan turned his phone into a projectile. After the 27-year-old was arrested, he allegedly said: “I was trying to see if I could hit her with the phone at the end of the show because it would be funny.”

Funny? Can you imagine dining with this psycho? You glance down at your entrée and he Frisbees a bread plate at your nose and then doubles over in hysterics. Alas, he is not an outlier. Bebe is not the only singer now belting out tunes while ready to duck.

Country chanteuse Kelsea Ballerini was nailed in the face last week with a bracelet while performing in Idaho. In Sweden this past weekend, Lil Nas X did some fancy footwork to avoid the trajectory of a sex toy. It just missed him and spared me from being forced to write a column containing both “Lil Nas X” and “replica vagina.”

It’s not just cellphones, bracelets and sex toys that are morphing into missiles and terrorizing musicians. Pink was recently singing “Just Like a Pill” in London when a concertgoer chucked a plastic bag containing a grey powder.

It was the ashes of the fan’s mother.

“This is your mom?” Pink asked. “I don’t know how I feel about this.”

I know how I feel. I am amending my will this evening and stipulating that my remains are to be stored in an urn or sprinkled on the mound at Rogers Centre. Dead me is not to be funneled into a Ziploc bag and catapulted onstage even if the Police reunite. Yes, I loved “Synchronicity” when it was released.

But not enough for my ashes to end up in Sting’s respiratory system.

No wonder Miley Cyrus does not feel safe performing live anymore. During a concert in Los Angeles last month, Ava Max was assaulted by a creep who presumably forgot to bring something to throw. As she later described the attack: “He slapped me so hard that he scratched the inside of my eye.”

Last year in Toronto, a teddy bear cartwheeled through the air and hit Lady Gaga in her lady noggin. Stereogum later identified this plush mortar as a “Dr. Simi stuffed doll,” which is “the mascot of Mexican pharmacy chain Farmacias Similares.”

What generic drugs have to do with “Hold My Hand” is not clear. But Lady Gaga was lucky this fan was animated by antibiotics and not chainsaws.

Rock concerts have always inspired a small amount of inexplicable throwing. But the airborne objects back in the day were not as dangerous as flying phones or metal bracelets. Tom Jones never fretted about losing an eye to a crotchless panty.

Nobody ever hurled a VCR at Tom Jones.

I fear we will all become agoraphobic just to avoid strangers. When I was a kid, there was a better chance of spotting a unicorn than witnessing an adult behaving badly in public. Now you can’t buy milk without stumbling upon someone on the verge of a tantrum. I’m already dreading the next time I fly. Airports are meltdown hubs.

I blame social media for this spike in anti-social behaviour.

The lunatic who threw a phone at Bebe Rexha claimed this was a TikTok trend. Why are we not surprised? Forget banning TikTok over fears China is spying on us. We should ban TikTok for the deranged trends that have inspired young people to choke out each other in the “blackout challenge.” Or fry chicken in NyQuil. Or break into homes to film the petrified owners. Or gobble candy coated in liquid nitrogen. Or superglue vampire fangs to their teeth. Or eat Tide pods. Or on and on and on …

At her Vegas residency this past weekend, Adele raised the throwing trend.

“Have you noticed how people are, like, forgetting f—ing show etiquette at the moment?” she asked fans. “People just throwing s–t onstage, have you seen them?”

Then Adele shot a T-shirt gun at the crowd.

Great. Now the artists are returning fire. Before summer is done, someone will whip a glitter marble at Taylor Swift and she’ll pull a bazooka out of a guitar case.

This is why all concert venues should install protective netting around the stage.

Baseball stadiums do this to protect fans from foul balls. Concert venues should do it to protect singers from fans who are human foul balls. Plexiglas might be better. But it could mess with acoustics. A net is sonically porous and will dramatically reduce the odds Drake is seriously injured by a key fob moving at Mach 3.

We need to protect our singers before someone gets killed.

Performing live is stressful enough without the threat of incoming.

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