Vinay Menon: So emojis might be deceptive? Sigh face. That’s no surprise in a world of white lies

Great, now we don’t know if emojis are sincere?

Before we get going today, I must address the outraged ruffians of Leafs Nation — including my brother Kris — calling for an unsportsmanlike misconduct because a column this week left them feeling like I was a Judas Iscariot, ankle-wobbling in Bauers on thin ice. I never told you to defect from Leafs Nation.

By all means, keep painting your cheeks. Keep waving your flags.

And when the Leafs are eliminated, I’ll send you a thoughts-and-prayers emoji.

From hieroglyphics to Ikea instructions, we are conditioned to, well, draw meaning from pictograms. But are the emojis now flying at Mach 5 in the ether an accurate reflection of how we truly feel? Or as a CBS story put it this week: “Are people really being honest when they pick these emotion emojis?”

A recent study out of Japan suggests the answer is “no.”

You can read it in the journal, Frontiers in Psychology. Warning: it’s long and larded with citations and the social science jargon that makes me want to inject Red Bull into my retinas just to get through the introduction. But this sentence sums it up: “Interestingly, smiling faces do not necessarily express happiness but are also used to de-intensify and mask emotions that are not appropriate for expression.”

In other words, emojis might be deceptive.

That eggplant a weirdo just texted might not necessarily reflect BDE.

I’ve come around on these goofy toons of digital comms. When emojis first gained cultural traction, it felt odd to send someone a picture instead of words. It felt juvenile. But we have busy lives. And emojis are as convenient as seat warmers. They are also free. Or I’d be in debt over the crying-laughing emojis I fling every day.

You know what else? Emojis are a beautiful conversation killer. If I’m en route to the market and my wife texts to request cauliflower, I can reply with a thumbs up. Then when I ignore her disgusting request and stock up on ribs, I send a sad face to pretend the cauliflower was sold out even though it wasn’t. Happy face!

I’m not casting aspersions on this Japanese study. However, having spent six years as a TV critic that included watching utterly deranged Tokyo game shows, I would suggest there might be cultural and confounding variables that do not translate into universal emoji insight. I’d also question why researchers studied 1,289 participants, of whom 1,085 were between the ages of 12 and 19. And only 78 were male.

That is flawed methodology. Sigh face!

My teen daughters’ emoji proclivities are not representative of Noam Chomsky.

But even if everyone is prone to dishonest emojification — I just made up a word — why is this surprising in a world where white lies are a crucial social lubricant? At home, at work, with family, with friends, with strangers in public spaces, our faces are living emojis. We fib because we care. Do I believe your new dress is gorgeous? Hard no. You look like a zebra that was run over by an 18-wheeler. But I say you look gorgeous because that is what good people should do. We lie to soothe. Happy face!

You’re at a restaurant. The server comes over to ask how you’re enjoying the entrée. Why they always ask when you are chewing is a different column. But what do you say? Great! Fantastic! Mmm! Our lizard brains are hard-wired to accentuate the positive even with a mouthful of fettuccine that tastes like packing peanuts.

If your boss asks if you agree with an operational plan, chances are you will send back a “100%” emoji. You go with the flow. You want to be a good soldier. Also, there is no emoji that means, “That is a terrible idea! This place is doomed!”

The only truly honest citizens among us are those who suffer from road rage. I’m not defending them. They are terrifying. But they are in touch with their feelings. They are not inclined to sugar-coat any visceral reactions. That 10-second honk and trembling middle finger is the ultimate multimedia emoji. You know what they mean.

“Emoji,” invented by Shigetaka Kurita, is a Japanese portmanteau for letter and picture. The global nuances in emojification are fascinating. In China, according to Digital Information World, clapping hands is most popular. The crying laughing I overuse is most popular in 75 countries. The heart emoji leads the way in Russia, which is grimly ironic given the heartbreak it has unleashed on Ukraine in its barbaric invasion. But an aggregated look at emoji usage across the planet shows that most countries just yearn for love and laughter. Emojis are sweet. Emojis are aspirational.

The CBS story this week offered a suggestion: “So, the next time you’re faced with a screen full of emojis, experts suggest choosing one that truly matches your mood.”

Thumbs down to those experts.

No critical information is ever relayed via emojis. CSIS is not contacting clandestine sources overseas with cryptic pictures of clasped hands or birthday cakes. Emojis are about shorthand. And if that sideways laughing face with streaming tears shooting out like blue lasers masks a sad apprehension, so be it.

We can both get on with our days and sort it out later.

We lie all the time for the benefit of others. Emojis should not be exempt.

Go Leafs Go!

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