Vinay Menon: Tom Brady picks football over wife Gisele Bündchen and gets intercepted by divorce

If these two can’t stay married, what hope is there for the rest of us?

The news broke on Friday morning. Well, it was breaking for weeks. Now it is official: Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen are headed to Splitsville in the most shocking supernova implosion of an A-List union since the demise of Brangelina.

Since tying the silk-and-diamonds knot in 2009, the couple seemed to have it all.

Their joint savings account rivalled pi for digits. He is one of the greatest NFL quarterbacks in history. She is one of the greatest supermodels of all time. They went together like peanut butter and jelly, bacon and eggs, a burger and fries, even if neither ever touched that stuff. When they posed on the red carpet, they were so preposterously gorgeous, they looked like CGI generated by AI.

And now I must tackle Tom for screwing everything up.

Sir, you were a North Star to husbands everywhere. Gisele gushed about you in a way we could only dream our wives would someday brag about us. For over a decade, she muted her own ambitions to amplify her roles as wife and mom.

As she told Elle in a cover story this month: “I’ve done my part, which is (to) be there for (Tom). I moved to Boston, and I focused on creating a cocoon and a loving environment for my children to grow up in and to be there supporting him and his dreams. Seeing my children succeed and become the beautiful little humans that they are, seeing him succeed, and being fulfilled in his career — it makes me happy.”

Wow. This former Victoria’s Secret Angel is truly an angel.

So, Tom, whatever happened to her dreams? What supermodel wants to move to Boston? That’s like a fisherman moving to the Sahara. But Gisele, perfect wife that she was, ignored her zip code and the fact most of her friends were in a different time zone just so her husband could chuck a football.

Her only end game was the hope he would soon end his game.

Gisele publicly expressed fears over how football might physically harm her soul mate. She longed for a relationship that was not on hold 18-plus weeks every year. She yearned to be with her husband, not watch him from the stands.

As Us Weekly reported just before Friday’s divorce: “Gisele told Tom either he leaves football to spend time with the family or she is gone for good.”

He made his choice. Now she’s gone for good. Great job, Tom.

You just threw a life interception.

All this guy had to do to remain happily married was retire, which is EXACTLY WHAT HE DID THIS SPRING. But then, 40 days later, he unretired. Why? He had already lined up an analyst gig with Fox News, reportedly worth $375 million. This gridiron overachiever has notched seven Super Bowl victories, which is seven more championships than the Toronto Maple Leafs have notched in my lifetime.

There was nothing left to win on the field — and everything to lose at home.

Gisele wanted Tom to put on slippers. Tom refused to remove his cleats. She wanted a husband who was more present. He remained lost in the locker room. So she was forced to file for divorce on Friday, forced to take a defibrillator to her own dreams before they went into cardiac arrest. As she told Elle: “I have a huge list of things that I have to do, that I want to do.”

And the worst part of this divorce is the impact on husbands everywhere.

I can tell you right now, I’m already thinking of chores I can pre-emptively knock off this weekend in case my wife feels inspired and empowered by Gisele. I usually spend a chunk of time on Sundays plotting possible columns for the week. This Sunday, I’ll be cleaning eaves and washing windows and carving pumpkins and helping the kids with homework and giving my wife flowers and neck rubs.

Thanks a lot, Tom Brady. I don’t know jacksquat about being a masseuse.

My wife might end up in neck brace thanks to your selfishness!

What I do know is the seemingly once perfect marriage of Tom and Gisele was torn asunder in slo-mo for the same reason so many relationships go sideways: the dreams of one person suffocated the dreams of the other. After his Tampa Bay Buccaneers won the Super Bowl last year, Brady should have retired — and stayed retired. By not quitting, he forfeited his marriage.

But Gisele, a class act now making her getaway on the high road, continued to be as awesome in divorce as she was in holy matrimony. As she wrote Friday on Instagram: “The decision to end a marriage is never easy but we have grown apart and while it is, of course, difficult to go through something like this, I feel blessed for the time we had together and only wish the best for Tom always.”

Take off your helmet, sir, and give your head a shake.

Football will never love you as much as she did.

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