Vinay Menon: Vietnam has banned ‘Barbie’ — the reason is more surreal than anything in Barbie Land

The world is on edge when even Barbie can trigger an international incident.

If you’ve seen the trailers, you know the upcoming live action movie is based on toys. You also know it stars Margot Robbie as Barbie and Ryan Gosling as Ken. What you may have missed is a one-second scene that is now giving Barbie a migraine.

In a blue blazer and starch-white collar, Barbie is standing in front of a “World Map.” It is giving off strong Crayola vibes. The map is so stylized, the cartographer may be Tinky-Winky or the ghost of Salvador Dali. Is that a melting clock in the Atlantic?

But the biggest problem? The eight dashes to the right of “Asia.”

“Barbie” is due in theatres worldwide on July 21. This now excludes Vietnam, where Barbie buffs will be forced to jet to another country or fire up a VPN to download an illegal bootleg. Vietnam banned “Barbie” this week. Barbie is verboten in Vietnam.

Authorities believe this fictional map, however fleeting, can cause real world harm. Those eight dashes, they say, are a crude and sinister depiction of the “Nine-Dash-Line” in the South China Sea, a maritime swath both Vietnam and China claim as their own.

To Vietnam, this map is not a cutesy sight gag — it is Chinese propaganda.

The hot pink atmosphere of Barbie Land might as well be communist red.

Warner Bros., the studio, has not yet commented on the uproar. But it’s astounding to read coverage of “Barbie” this week that now includes references to international tribunal rulings at The Hague, geopolitical disputes involving shipping lanes, underwater resources, military bases on artificial islands and lethally dull backgrounders on Exclusive Economic Zones (EEZs).

Vietnam is not the only country giving side-eye to Barbie.

Newsweek quoted Risa Hontiveros, a senator in the Philippines, who said her nation should also flag the contentious map: “The movie is fiction and so is the Nine-Dash-Line. At the minimum, our cinemas should include an explicit disclaimer that the Nine-Dash-Line is a figment of China’s imagination.”

I am not downplaying these passionate and seemingly intractable regional divisions. China’s aggressive maritime expansionism and refusal to abide by international decree has led to years of suspicion and hostility, including with Malaysia and Brunei.

Even Taiwan must be slapping its forehead over Barbie’s unforced cinematic gaffe.

But I’m not sure this map, which you’d miss if you blinked at the one-minute mark in the third trailer, is admissible in the International Court of Justice. It’s cartoonishly unrealistic. Where is continental Europe? New Zealand? What do the sailboats represent? Is that a jester’s crown atop Iceland? What’s with the hashtag floating in the ocean? Is that a Christmas tree? Why is Africa disfigured and why is there a sun touching down near Tanzania? Where are the hubrid alien colonies in the Arctic?

Margot Robbie is blocking out North America. Her mouth is the size of Malta. But there is another series of dashes — 11 this time — that suggests Canada owns Greenland and, quite possibly, a megalodon. And by “Canada,” I mean “Kenada,” which is how our nation was rebranded last week at the movie’s premiere party.

Vietnam has every right to restrict cultural imports it deems an affront to sovereignty and national peace of mind. I would have loved to ban “Barbie” in my household when my daughters were young. Or even just put a fatwa on Dora the Explorer. But until more is known about the backstory of this map, this is me holding up my palms, backing out of the chat and getting ready to speed off in Barbie’s Corvette.

Who designed the map? Did the Chinese Communist Party have input? Is Will Ferrell a spy for Beijing? Or is this yet another example of Hollywood failing to pay attention to the small details that inevitably blow up real big?

I’m just relieved the map doesn’t show Moscow lassoing Kyiv.

If the Vietnamese box office matters to producers of “Barbie,” they should have realized that any depiction of a “World Map” needed to be thoroughly vetted by maritime experts who could keep poor Barbie out of hot water. When the real world is boiling with conflicts, your fake map should not fan the flames.

Especially not in a movie inspired by plastic action figures.

The Nine-Dash-Line, or “cow’s-tongue-line” as it’s known in Vietnam, has led to decades of existential dread and manoeuvering in Southeast Asia. Hanoi has banned other movies for depicting the Nine-Dash-Line as China imagines it, including in “Abominable” and “Uncharted.” That dotted U-shape is a hot button.

The film’s official synopsis begins with these two sentences: “To live in Barbie Land is to be a perfect being in a perfect place. Unless you have a full-on existential crisis.”

Barbie should have stayed in Barbie Land.

She’s not ready for the real world.

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