Vinay Menon: Why not let the Toronto Zoo’s gorillas watch videos? They look bored senseless to me

Even animals can’t escape tech.

There is a sign at the Toronto Zoo this summer: “For the wellbeing of gorilla troop, please refrain from showing them any videos or photos as some content can be upsetting and affect their relationships and behaviour within their family.”

This is a first: Gorilla Viewer Discretion Advised.

I don’t know what visitors are showing. Hopefully, it’s not Netflix’s “Chimp Empire,” which would cause any captive gorilla to yearn for the freedom of Equatorial Guinea.

One gorilla, Nassir, was mesmerized by the cellphones constantly pressed into his glass enclosure. Maria Franke, the zoo’s director of wildlife conservation and welfare, recently explained the situation to the Star’s Francine Kopun:

“And Nassir is so into those videos. It was causing him to be distracted and not interacting with the other gorillas, and you know, being a gorilla. He was just so enthralled with gadgets and phones and the videos.”

So Nassir is like the rest of us? He could get addicted to TikTok in an hour?

I have visited many zoos in many countries. I always have the same feeling: pity for the animals. Yes, they are fed and safe. But they look sad and bored. This howler monkey in Barcelona once sent me a telepathic message: Dude, get me out of here.

My wife says I am dead wrong. Zoos are crucial for research and protection, especially for endangered species. We tend to romanticize nature. But you don’t need to watch National Geographic to know Mother Nature is a snuff film. Kill or be killed.

This is not a problem at a zoo where the gazelles and tigers are separated.

So here’s what I’m proposing: Instead of banning tech, zoos should double-down. Put touch screens in every cage. Add food-reward vending machines and maybe Wordle. Give meerkats headphones. Give orangutans iPhones. Give donkeys Donkey Kong.

The Toronto Zoo posted that sign because it feared Nassir was deviating from the behaviour of a gorilla in the wild. But Nassir is a gorilla living on Meadowvale Road. Cut him some slack. Imagine if the situation was reversed. If I spent my days locked in a glass enclosure and Nassir wandered forth in sandals and cargo shorts, I’d love if he showed me the trailer for “Mission: Impossible 7.” It would break up the monotony.

Now, if Nassir showed me “The Idol,” I’d be forced to fling feces.

Another tidbit from Francine’s story: hyenas at the Toronto Zoo love watching Disney. Not sure how this was discovered. Did handlers put scenes from “The Lion King” featuring Shenzi, Banzai and Ed on a loop? Here’s the thing: hyenas could get into spaghetti westerns if the alternative was not doing or watching anything at all.

I don’t care what the experts or my wife says. My eyes tell me our zoo animals are bored senseless. So let technology stimulate them and expand their horizons.

Have a Sunday night IMAX party in the Tundra Trek. Teach the mouflons how to use a microwave. Give the grizzly bears iPads so they can order salmon sashimi via Uber Eats. A northern bald eagle deserves GPS to simulate the places it can’t fly. A Komodo dragon could benefit from the Find My Friends app after a poisonous bite.

Monkey see, monkey do, monkey addicted to VR.

I’m sorry, zoos are animal prisons. You can throw a slab of meat into a leopard den. It’s just not the same. Big cats are like little cats. The thrill is in the kill. There is a grey tabby that skulks my street. He is a bird serial killer. If I see him in my backyard, I dash out to shoo him off as the blue jays squawk in agreement: “Yeah, get out of here!”

But it’s not his feline fault. It is his nature. He feels most alive while hunting outside.

Did you see the video released last month by Save the Chimps? Vanilla, who had spent her life in a lab, was rescued and moved to a Florida sanctuary. Her chimp expression upon gazing into the blue sky for the first time was pure joy and wonder.

It choked up this primate.

But if Vanilla was still stuck in that lab, give her a flat-screen TV. I would love if elephants mastered Excel and reptiles could code. We humans are staring into the abyss of AI. If there’s a robot apocalypse, we need the animals on our side.

So flood all zoos with consumer tech until the other carbon beasts catch up.

Yes, nobody wants random yahoos traumatizing gorilla eyeballs with flashes of monkey porn. But the gorillas wouldn’t even bother staring at visitor phones if they were stimulated. If someone broke into your home and started reading Tolstoy, you’d only listen and not call the cops if you had never read a book before.

I’m going to contact the Toronto Zoo and invite Nassir to come live with me for a month. I’ll teach him how to play electric guitar and keyboards. We will watch “Planet of the Apes” in surround sound. I’ll strap my Apple Watch to his hairy wrist. I’ll encourage him to converse with Siri and try to beat my record on the game Socks.

The days all bleed together when you’re a zoo animal.

Maybe, just maybe, technology can be an escape.

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